My Vie en Rose: A Breast Cancer Journey

Tag: livingwithbreastcancer

  • Surviving Chemo: Battling Exhaustion and Pain

    Hi all! It’s been a while since my last post. It turns out A/C chemo was much harder on me than I expected. I knew to anticipate fatigue, but what I experienced was a completely different level of tired.

    The first round didn’t seem too bad at first. I even went by myself, thinking that since I wasn’t being given Benadryl, I’d be fine to drive home. That turned out to be overly optimistic. During the 17-minute drive, I started to fall asleep. I made it home safely, but once I got inside, I was so tired I nearly fell asleep standing up. I made it onto the couch just in time to avoid face-planting into the coffee table.

    After that, I retired from solo trips. I talked with Mark’s mom, and we arranged for her to take me to the next treatment. Mark took me to the third, and my friend Danielle brought me to the fourth and final infusion. It became pretty clear I needed backup.

    With each round, the exhaustion stacked up. By the third infusion, I was sleeping 18–20 hours a day and only up in short windows. By the second infusion, I was already starting to feel my worst. They say chemo kills cancer cells, but it also affects healthy cells—and I could feel that more and more with each treatment. To be completely honest, I could feel myself dying a little each time. If I hadn’t been so tired, I think I would have been more scared.

    Then came the bone pain. At times, it felt like certain bones were actually broken. I’d wake up trying to figure out what I had done in my sleep, which felt very on brand for this stage of life. Then I’d remember: chemo and the white blood cell shots.

    Those shots boost your cell count by stimulating your bone marrow, which can cause it to expand and lead to pretty intense pain. Mine was likely mild compared to what it can be, but it still got my full attention.

    There were also side effects I was fortunate to avoid—no significant nausea, no fingernails or toenails falling off, and I kept the small amount of peach fuzz that had grown back before A/C chemo. So far, there are also no signs of heart damage. Mouth sores were minimal. I didn’t realize I had them until I tried chips and salsa—a quick and effective reality check. I’m continuing with chemo-induced menopause, which means my already unpredictable internal thermostat is about to get even less reliable this summer. Managing the hot flashes has been a bit of trial and error with medication.

    With each passing day, I’m one step closer to being healthy—and closer to finding my new normal. I really hope I never have to go through anything like this again.

    If there’s one thing I’m taking from all of this, it’s that I’m stronger than I realized. And I’m holding onto that. I’ll keep showing up, keep pushing forward, and keep being strong in every part of my life.

  • The Heavy Weight of Strength: Battling Cancer and Independence

    The Heavy Weight of Strength: Battling Cancer and Independence

    I’m being brave. I’m “handling everything so well.” But honestly, I don’t want to be this person all the time.

    I am strong. With all the obstacles I’ve faced in my adult life, strength is the only way I know how to exist anymore. But the immense effort it takes to be this strong is exhausting. The emotional burnout. The physical fatigue. It’s draining.

    I’m eight days away from starting aggressive AC chemo. The anxiety is intense—the uncertainty, the fear of the unknown—punctuated by brief moments of hope that everything will be okay. It’s an emotional rollercoaster that makes it hard to focus on everyday life. My chore list keeps growing. Mark is here to help me, and I’m grateful, but I still want to cross things off that list myself. I’ve love being independent. Independence wasn’t just how I lived—it was how I defined myself. Losing pieces of it feels like losing parts of who I am.

    That independence was shaken first in November 2022, when I discovered my wages were being stolen. I quit that toxic job of almost 7 years, confident I’d find another quickly based on my skills and experience—only to learn I was dealing with defamation and blacklisting. After a long, painful wait, I made it through that.

    The next job wasn’t much better. I loved the job and my co-workers. Unfortunately, I worked under a misogynistic jackass of a general manager, plus I was constantly sick and looked down on for it. At the time, I had no idea cancer was already present—brewing quietly in my chest.

    I’m not sharing this for pity. My point is this: being an independent person while facing obstacle after obstacle has nearly broken me. And now I’m here, taking a medical leave of absence from a new job because obstacle number three is cancer.

    I want to be healthy and cancer-free more than anything. But I also desperately want my independence back—to contribute to household bills, to take some of the financial stress off of Mark, to see something that needs to be done and just do it, to live without having to add another task to Mark’s to-do list. Every time I have to ask for help, it feels like a small grief. I know it’s necessary, but it still hurts. I yearn for the days of wanting to do something and simply getting to do it.

    For now, my focus is chemo and my upcoming MRI. I know, logically, that everything inside my head is okay—but as the appointment gets closer, my mind spirals anyway, running through every possible outcome.

    This is where I am. Strong, tired, scared, hopeful, and doing the best I can—even when I don’t want to have to be this strong.